This forum is not a substitute for counseling and should not be construed as such. Please understand that we will not have enough information to provide definitive answers. At best we can provide you with some food for thought and perhaps something for you and your spouse to further consider either privately, prayerfully, or together with a professional.

Anonymously submit your questions below . We will select the ones that we feel most appropriate for this page and post our suggestions.

Question Number 11 (12/4/07)

My husband and I had come to a point in our seven year marriage where things just were not quite right...my needs were not being met (words of affirmation, appreciation and family time) and in return there was bitterness and rejection towards him and I became "emotionally abusive" to him.  He had turned to an ex girlfriend and they began an "emotional affair".  I found out and gave him the choice of stopping the relationship or I was leaving.  We have two young children, he says he loves me and does not want to break up our family...it is not the right thing to do.  He left us for three days to "make his decision" and ultimately came home to us.  He admitted to me that he does love her and always has...how do I live with the fact that he loves us both and the fact that the temptation is there as they will be in contact every now and then?  Is it considered cheating when you love two women?

Suggestion: What has surely become a downhill slide can only be reversed by an uphill climb. It’s always much easier to slide than it is to climb.  Your husband came home resolved to do what? Love two women? 

It sounds like (in the name of doing the right thing), that he has chosen to be married to YOU! That’s a good thing. The two of you are now at the base of the right mountain! But with this vote for home and marriage there needs to be clear definition as to what it means in your eyes, your husband’s eyes, and ultimately, in God’s eyes for the two of you to be “married.”  It’s good to be at the base together, but now you’ve got to decide whether you’re going to climb to the top together, or not!

To be at the base with mixed emotions, mistrust, bitterness, divided love, and ambiguous objectives is to invite temptation. You can’t stay there and just hope for the best. He might love two, but if he’s resolved to sacrifice with one, bleed with one, sweat with one, cry with one, raise children with one, and strive to move forward in life with only that one……then the love for that one will be at a much higher elevation; incomparable to anything else that would dare to call itself “love.”

He’s at home. Now the job is to make it a real home, a godly home, a home that’s pleasing in the sight of God. Resolve now to climb; both of you together must resolve to climb. It will be hard work, and well worth it!

Question Number 10 (11/25/07)

Why would a person profess loving someone so, yet constantly have affairs throughout their marriage? Say they don’t want anyone else and really love you. I think the person is very insecure about themselves. How much building and making them feel good should be done?

Suggestion: If your spouse really loves you, it is certainly a very weak and extremely selfish kind of love. They want to have their proverbial “cake and eat it too.” It’s wrong. It’s contrary to the will of God as expressed in the Word of God.

We forfeit so many of God’s blessings when we choose to ignore Him and follow the master that is our own flesh. You have been robbed of the fullness of God’s blessings for a happy, united, harmonious, selfless home. And in this day and age, robbery can quickly turn to murder given the plethora of diseases that an uncontrolled spouse can bring home to the “one they love!”  If your spouse is so insecure that they can fall so easily and repeatedly into someone else’s arms for personal affirmation, they quite frankly need some help! That’s not normal! They shouldn’t be made to “feel good” at all. They should feel bad enough to want to change and try to love you with the exclusivity with which you deserve to be loved. In the Old Testament, they would stone the adulterer to death. While the grace that we have under Christ relieves us of that extreme penalty, no one should think that God is winking at anyone’s total disregard for the sanctity of marriage. The God who loves us does so with enough love to discourage us with punishment when we rebel against Him. Amazingly, many people continue to find themselves “less than blessed” and never seem to quite put the pieces together that they have done it to themselves.

The temptation for anyone giving advice here would be to either invoke or invalidate the “adultery as justification for divorce” biblical arguments. I’m not going to put God in either of those boxes made by the self-righteous who seem to be so absolute and certain of their biblical understanding.

I’ll stop by saying “God hates divorce” (Malachi 2:16) and suggest to you that he always prefers a beautiful, fulfilling, marriage that represents Christ’s love for His bride, the Church (Ephesians 5:25). I’m talking about a happy home with Christ at the center and no one having to reach beyond it for what God intended to be found within it! Now there’s a vision that I hope that both you and your spouse will catch, actively pursue at all costs, and by God’s grace, find in all of its glory. If your spouse really knew and understood what God has and desires for the two of you as you live within the boundaries that he established, there would never be an urge to wander from home. God said in essence….. “I’ve got everything you need…just love me enough to trust and obey me. I’ll do the rest. Your every attempt to “bless yourself” by violating my laws will only take you further away from what I alone can provide.” 

Lord, open blind eyes I pray, in Jesus’ name. 

Question Number 9: (11/14/07)

My husband and I have been married for 3yrs. Our issue has always been a matter of trust and control. I can be at home all day and he knows this, but I will be accused of cheating, or if I refuse to make love because I don't feel well I am told that he is my husband and I shouldn't deny him. It has gotten to the point he forces himself on me. He would tell all the time he was leaving me.  I couldn't take it anymore so I left. Now he tells me he is sorry and things will change but I am afraid, because this continues to happen when I forgive him and go back home. I feel lost at times because I wanted this marriage to work. When he talks to me on the phone he sounds very sincere but my heart tells me that if I return it will only get worse and so one will get hurt. I don't know where to go from here, I don't know who to talk to anymore because my family is tired of me going through these changes. They have been very supportive each time I go back to him, but this last incident has made them express their concerns. Can someone give me advice?    Thank you

Suggestion: In and of itself, mere remorse over an undesirable outcome is rarely enough to bring about lasting change.  Without further counsel, the issues of trust and control may temporarily take the back burner but it is highly likely that they will, over time, burst back into the forefront.  Without delving into and seeking to resolve the deeper issues that have created the environment that is unsatisfactory and unhealthy to the both of you, there is little chance for healing. If you BOTH really want the marriage to work, you’ll find professional help. Family advice, and even the advice of this column may all have the best of intentions, but you two need to be sitting in front of someone who can help you sort through this myriad of very serious issues.

Question Number 8: (10/30/07)

It's been almost three months since my wife moved out from our home and moved in with her mother after we got into a fight one Tuesday morning. I have accepted full blame for my actions and have been begging her to return home but to no avail. I have been begging her forgiveness but it seems like I cannot break through to her. She has said that we are unequally yoked because I am Catholic and she is not, she has even hinted that is considering getting a divorce. I love my wife more than the first day I professed my love to her. I don't know what to do or say to her anymore. I ask her to come back home so we can work out our difference but she seems not to care anymore. What am I supposed to do?

Suggestion:  There is no question that you are in pain. For that I am very sorry. What I don’t get from this public one-sided forum is the level nor the source of the pain that your wife may be experiencing. This I do know, God is a healer.

You don’t say so, but the first thing that crossed my mind in your explanation of that “Tuesday morning” is physical abuse. It sounds like there may have been a fight that crossed the line. Not having the benefit of both sides of the story, let me make that assumption for someone’s benefit, even if not yours. Someone out there reading this may need to hear what I’m about to say.  

The pattern of individuals who are prone to abuse is rage, violence, remorse, apologies, promises, apparent reconciliation and start all over again the next time rage kicks in. If violence has occurred, a wise woman would want to know that her abuser is well in the process of being professionally helped for their anger before slowly moving toward the rebuilding of the trust that has been utterly destroyed. The words “I’m sorry” can be all too easily uttered. Time alone will tell whether of not there has been any change in the abuser. If abuse has occurred, it may require a long period of careful observation before any real reconciliation can take place.

If abuse was not a factor, I have to wonder what else was going on in this scenario. The “unequally yoked” rationale seems to be a cover for the real set of issues…a grasping for spiritual straws to justify a self-proclaimed pardon from the commitment of matrimony. It sounds like the words of someone who is wrestling with whether or not they want to be married any longer. If your wife considers you to be an “unbeliever” (i.e., the only theological basis for invoking 2 Corinthians 6:14) then she must also theologically consider 1 Cor 7:13-14 that says, “And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him.” We can’t simply pick and choose scriptures to make support what we’re feeling.

I pray that true love, God’s love will prevail; that forgiveness, healing and reconciliation will manifest. God be with you both.

Question Number 7: (10/19/07)

What should you do if after you are married you discover that your spouse smokes pot and won't quit?

Suggestion: Well, in the “for better or worse” commitment made at the altar, this definitely falls on the “for worse” side.  Several issues come to mind.

Raises other Questions
What other surprise discoveries might you have in store in the days ahead? Granted, couples continue to learn about one another years into the marriage, but there are some things that simply should have been discussed or at least “discovered” before the “I do’s” were exchanged. To know how a spouse chooses to unwind and relax seems like a pretty basic item on the getting to know one another scale. To not have touched on this in the courtship phase of the relationship does bring some concerns about what else might not have been disclosed.

Legality:
The fact that pot is still illegal is another concern. I’m only assuming that both of you know the Lord. If so, we have a biblical mandate to be under the laws of man. Some could argue that there is a time for rebellion against laws of man that are deemed to be unjust or otherwise in violation of the laws of God…but we won’t go there in this marriage column. Clearly, the Bible does say this:

1 Peter 2:13 Therefore submit yourselves to every ordinance of man for the Lord's sake...

Romans 13:1 Let every soul be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and the authorities that exist are appointed by God.

Parental Responsibility:
There comes a time to put away childish things. Hopefully it’s before we have children of our own. “Don’t mind mommy or daddy, he/she just has a little buzz on!”  Right….Give me a break! Yes, there is a time to simply grow up!

Both of my children know about my own pot smoking days. Telling them was part of the process of allowing them to know who I am in the light of who I used to be. The fact that I awakened to the reality that pot was nothing but an anchor to my destiny became part of an informed and knowledgeable warning to them. Thank God, they took my word for it and grew up not having to find out for themselves. They trusted me. They trusted my judgment. You have already implied that there are now issues of mistrust in your home.  I believe that our kids can learn from our mistakes rather than have to duplicate them, but before they will truly listen to us they first need to trust us.  Your spouse is not on a good road in the trust department and the ramifications can be far-reaching.

So, what do you do?

1. Pray for your spouse.  God can reach him or her at a heart level in a way that you simply can’t. God has his own ways of making His displeasure known.

2 Clearly express your disappointment and concern. While you don’t want to keep harping on it, you do want to be clear that it is not OK and will never be OK with you. If they choose to continue to smoke, they do so with a clear understanding that it will be at the incredible expense of lost family harmony. 

3. Let him or her know that the element of family life that is second only to love is trust. Without a complete atmosphere of trust, EVERYONE in the household, parents, children, and even the golden retriever, will be adversely affected. Mistrust becomes a hammer that viciously attacks and seeks to destroy love.  Let it be made known that you don’t want to go any further down that road. There is so much more at stake than “just getting high!”

Any other suggestions for this person from other readers? Email me.

How do you handle couples who continue to complain about each other and don’t take your suggestions? I love my brothers and sisters in Christ, but they are draining my husband and me spiritually and physically.

Suggestion: I’ve heard it said that one needs to be careful when trying to rescue someone who is drowning. If not, they'll pull you down too!  This couple is having an adverse impact on you and your own household. You’ll need to establish some clear boundaries.

When people who look to you for counsel don’t take your advice, you need not feel compelled to counsel them any further. You will need to be lovingly direct with them. If they are not willing do try something different, they have in effect chosen to remain in their misery. Until they become ready to make some changes, your time, energy and emotional investments are being wasted.

You are not a trash can for others to deposit their garbage. If they are “dumping” on you but not listening to you, something needs to change. You need to love yourself and them enough to stop them from continuing their unprofitable behavior.

Now if you can just find a nice way to say all that, you’ll be doing yourself and this couple a big favor.

Question Number 5: (9/27/07)

I am in a very ticklish situation, my wife has openly told me that she is no longer in love with me and she does not have the guts to tell me to leave. We got into a fight and she moved in with her mother. I feel so alone I sometimes feel like taking my life to end the pain, but then I think of my daughter who is all I have left. What is a man supposed to do when the only woman he loves treats him like he does not exist?

Suggestion: You had a fight and she left. Obviously there is another side to this story, but for the sake of offering a response let me deal with the information you have provided.

I hear your heart and sense the extent of your pain. You’re in a situation that our God is quite familiar with.  How many times has his love gone unrequited by the very people for whom He gave the ultimate sacrifice?  And yet, He keeps on loving them in the hope that they will recognize, respond to and return His love.  What does he do concerning those who turn their backs on Him? In essence, He keeps on loving them but lets them continue in the direction that they have chosen for themselves; consequences and all.

He doesn’t chase us. He doesn’t try to make us love Him.  He simply lets us have what we think we want. Often, the consequences of our choice to live without Him ultimately awaken us to the reality of our need for Him! Sometimes we learn to appreciate His love the hard way.

Keep on loving her brother, in both word and deed. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Pray for her and ask God to move her heart. She may some day respond and yet she might not ever respond in the way you would like her to. God has created us as a people of free will. He’ll give us every opportunity to do the right thing but the choice remains ours to make.

After we’ve done all that we can do in terms of actions and appropriate, godly behavior, all that’s left to do is to trust God. If you will put all of your trust in Him for the abundant life that he has promised you, it will occur either with or without the woman who is currently your wife. If she chooses to proceed through life without you, God  has promised that He will never leave you nor forsake you. Keep on loving your wife. Keep on loving God.

Your precious daughter deserves a loving, fully living dad. Vow both to live and to love. Promise yourself that you will be a man of God, trusting Him for every ultimate outcome. He’s working it all together for good!

Question Number 4: (9/26/07)

Does God ever confirm for you when your marriage is over, particularly when you have gone through various trials and all trust is gone between you and your spouse?

Suggestion: In Christ, we have to believe that there is always hope.  This past Sunday, I preached a message (Reborn Ultimatum, Part 2) suggesting that sometimes “more God” and just a tiny bit of faith are all it takes to open up the door to the miraculous. We can find ourselves in situations where all hope is gone apart from divine intervention. And yet, we often see people respond to such situations by turning away from God and following their feelings! He’s the only one who has the power to bring about the change that’s needed.  Remember when the apostles found themselves in a humanly hopeless situation. They tried and tried to cast a demon out of a boy, but just couldn’t do it. They had faith in God and were perplexed as to why they had no success.  Jesus came along, speedily cast out the demon and said, “this kind comes out only by prayer and fasting.” What did Jesus have that the apostles didn’t have? A tighter connection or oneness with THE POWER!  Prayer and fasting would have enabled the apostles to purge themselves of every distracting sin, thought, doubt, or other interference and tighten their connection to God’s manifest power. The answer is to get to THE POWER; God Himself. To come to a point of despair is to come to the end of oneself. God is still in the miracle business. Press in to Him with a pure desire to see HIS WILL done, and watch His sovereign power begin to kick in.

When trust has been destroyed between two individuals, there is no question but that a miracle is needed. To this point, Proverbs 3:5-6 suggests, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.”

I would caution that in this kind of situation, there is a real Devil who will try to provide the frustrated man or woman with a constant supply of "confirmations" that the marriage is over. PLEASE see someone for counsel but ultimately... press in to God!

If wife and husband have their own relationship with the Lord, He will speak to both of them. Where do the roles of husband and wife come in?

Suggestion: Proverbs 15:22 and Proverbs 24:6 both speak about the benefits of counsel; plans are established and safety is provided. In Deuteronomy, Matthew and 2 Corinthians there are references to things being established in the mouths of two or three witnesses. What a great built-in safeguard we have in the thoughts and expressions of our spouses. Neither partner had better make any claims to perfection or inerrancy. Both may think they have heard from God, but if there is disagreement, at least one of them is wrong!

While a husband is given the ultimate responsibility for decisions, he is a fool not to listen to his wife. A casual dismissal of a partner's (husband's  or wife's) thoughts can be a virtual dismissal of the voice of God!   Part of the divine beauty of a marriage is the symmetry of opinion and thought. The whole is far greater than the sum of the parts. Yes, God does speak to both of them but don't discount the reality that the way that He will often do this in a couple is THROUGH ONE ANOTHER.

Will we remain married for the rest of our lives?

Suggestion: I'll have to assume that you are talking about your eternal lives. If you're speaking about your mortal lives, then of course the decision to remain married is a choice that God certainly wants you to make.

In regard to eternal life, the Bible says:

Matt 22:23-31   The same day the Sadducees, who say there is no resurrection, came to Him and asked Him, 24 saying: "Teacher, Moses said that if a man dies, having no children, his brother shall marry his wife and raise up offspring for his brother. 25 Now there were with us seven brothers. The first died after he had married, and having no offspring, left his wife to his brother. 26 Likewise the second also, and the third, even to the seventh. 27 Last of all the woman died also. 28 Therefore, in the resurrection, whose wife of the seven will she be? For they all had her."  29 Jesus answered and said to them, "You are mistaken, not knowing the Scriptures nor the power of God. 30 For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels of God in heaven.
 

I'm grateful to have bumped into (sort of) a site like this. My question is, how do Christian brethren deal with divorce and remarriage in a way that I will not be a judge to them. I'm from a very dominant Catholic nation. Divorce and remarriage is a taboo. But I love my friends that have divorced and remarried. I also have friends who hates remarriage. How will I counsel both opposing parties. I love them all. I want to be a blessing to them.

Suggestion: The short answer; respond with love.  God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16), but he loves people. You don't want to stop loving your friends regardless of what the circumstances of the divorce may have been.  Love doesn't mean to look the other way and ignore what the scriptures have to say on the topic (or related contributing topics). That wouldn't be at all loving. Love might better take the form of speaking the truth in love. You can't ignore what the scriptures have to say, but when you convey such truth you must do so in a Christ-like way with compassion and understanding. There are some very hurt souls who stand to be crushed by a holier than thou approach. If there is to be any judgment, let it come from the Lord. What they most need from you is an honest friend who will not only tell them when they are wrong, but undergird them through any consequences and love them no matter what. It is obvious from your concerns that this is the approach that you desire to take.

We offer a Divorce Recovery Program in our church as a ministry to those who have gone through, or are about to go through the pain of a divorce. To me, it's as valid a ministry as any we offer. We care, and have no doubt that Jesus does too.